Hey guys, I’m really sorry I’ve been a flake lately. Grad school has kicked my butt and continues to kick it daily. I haven’t been on because I have been busy. Every time I’ve tried going on, I find myself easily triggered and at times wishing I could go back to the way I used to be. I know my mind is still very fragile, and I continue to fight everyday (and most days win!) but mentally, it is still very tough for me. I’m afraid if I try to keep my blog, I’ll go back to my old ways. It’s scary how easy it is to do that.. I find myself doing old behaviors sometimes and I don’t even realize it, I’m just so used to it.
A little update, I’ve picked up exercising again! And this time I am going to try my hardest to not get out of control with it. I’m doing it with friends this time, so that might be helpful for me. I have found that I am pretty good at noticing when my thoughts are getting out of control, so I’ll try to monitor myself. I still have a sucky self esteem and constantly compare myself to others, and lately it’s been worse, but I’m just trying to live my life for the most part.
Grad school is amazing. I am doing so many things and am going to be involved with SO many amazing opportunities. I’m really excited to see where life takes me. :)
Anyways! I just wanted to send this to let you guys know I probably won’t be on for a very, very long time. If you want to still talk with me (I doubt anyone does :/ haha) just message me and I can give you my info (facebook, email, whatever!).
I love you guys and thank you for all the support you have given me.
So after 2 years of fighting this, I am finally starting to feel healthy again. I am choosing what I eat, when I eat it, and how much. I mean sometimes it’s still hard making decisions (when I go out to eat), and I have my few slip-ups, but I don’t obsess about it and I just continue on with my day and the next day. I am finally starting to feel better about eating. I am working on my body image, but I also think I’m finally starting to accept and maybe like myself.
For example, on Friday night my friends and I went out drinking. I ate all my meals for the day, but after we were done with the night, everyone was hungry so we went out to eat! I ended up sharing some fries with tons of meat, cheese, guac, and other stuff on top. And honestly, I didn’t think about it for a second. The ed-me would have freaked out but guess what? I was hungry and I ate. No I didn’t gain 10 lbs the next day as I would have thought in the past. I think my body is finally starting to regulate itself. Yes I’m pretty much back to my pre-ed weight but guess what? This is where my body wants to be, and where it’s healthy at. It honestly just felt so liberating to not care about what I was eating, I really like this feeling.
It’s really weird.. for the longest time I felt like I didn’t know how to live without obsessing over every single thing I put in my mouth.. but I really like the feeling of letting it go.
I’m sorry I haven’t been on lately, grad school is really kicking my butt and I also am trying to stay away from tumblr (because it can be triggering). I will try to respond to my messages as soon as I can <3
feeling pretty today I don’t know why but hi :)
also I am wearing colored jeans that used to be so baggy on me and now they fit. it’s weird.. but i’m trying to get used to this. :)
i’m sorry I haven’t been on. :/ my life has just kind of been a mess lately with my heart and trying to figure out what is exactly wrong.
i’ll give you guys an update soon :/
what if my heart is all messed up now because of my last relapse before summer?
it’s all my fault i’m sure.
LOL i’m sorry but i just had to reblog this.
i mean what the fffffffffffff?
blehh i have a 24 hr ekg hooked up to me right now. some of my friends wanted to drink but i couldn’t.. but guess what? i still had fun! plus my friend C took me to see a movie with her.
I think i’m finally making some real friends :)
but, i can’t do this. i can’t live like this. i just want to die.
i went to a cardiologist today, and did an EKG, echocardiogram, and blood work. both the ekg and echocardiogram came back normal.. except for the fact that my heart rate was up a lot. i have to schedule a time later to have a 24 hr ekg but idk when i’m going to get that done because it costs 50 bucks going there and 50 bucks going back by taxi :/
the doctor prescribed me my old medication, but i have tried it and it still is giving me no relief, i am actually kind of worried and don’t know what to do :/